Happy Birthday, LyricalKris!

I fully intend to post a plethora of Stew pictures today JUST FOR YOU.

Until I get to pick out a ton, here’s one I thought you may like.

I LOVE YOU!!!

-J&B

Seriously? I never imagined that when I start reading PL, you’d take my life by a storm. I think there were very few days since then that we didn’t talk in one form or another.

You are such an awesome person; talented, caring, funny, smart, and a good friend.
I’m so glad I can call you my friend.

Love you forEVAH!! and I’m wishing you all that I wish myself and more.

Eleanor

The Fic She Didn’t Want

Fic she didn't want banner
Love Myself

“Love myself? What kind of cock and bullshit is that?” Rose’s yelling drew attention from nearly every corner of the room to the four women as they made their way out of the seminar.

The place had been packed and the cost had been a bit of a stretch for Bella whose bank balance was often laughable at best. The women had pulled together though, Rose covering most of the cost for her best friends. It had been her idea to go after all.

Living Life to the Fullest
A Seminar by Dr. Carlisle Cullen

Who wouldn’t want to learn how to do such a thing? Rosalie had heard from her cousin Vera that when the seminar was near her home town it changed her life. Rose could distinctly remember a time when Vera’s life revolved solely around her job, but after the seminar….

The image of Vera’s son and new husband flashed through Rose’s mind, causing her heart to clench in a painful way. She wanted that. She craved that. She wouldn’t get it though. She couldn’t get it. Vera was a plain normal girl who just needed a push and a little make up. Rose had told her that many times in the past. The seminar simply gave her a little hope and she blossomed a new life from it.

Rose needed more than self confidence though. She had self confidence. What she needed was to lose weight.

“Wait one fucking moment?!?!” The furiously loud voice called out from some unknown place well above the womens’ heads.

Bella looked up towards the source of the voice, but saw nothing aside from the crappy plaster and a kinda yellowish stain that she really didn’t care to know any details about. Had she cared about the details she would have found out that, that particular stain was the result of the author of this little tale. It was a sad and little known fact that the writer of this fic had a bad habit of eating while she typed. The stain in question was a result of a spit take from her seeing a video that friend linked her to while she attempted to multitask.

Bella huffed a little as she realized she had been given the details of the stain, that she didn’t care for, and then decided to call back up to the voice. Perhaps if she addressed the issue quickly they could get back to the story, and she could figure out which of the Cullens she would be giving some lovin’ to tonight. She knew it had to be a Cullen because this particular writer absolutely refused to pair her with Jacob. Even if he did have mouth watering abs and hair she could wrap her hands in.

“I’m not reading that! I’m not reading that!” The voice called out in an almost childish manner.
“Really Cella? You’re calling me childish?!” The author quickly ignored the reader’s words and tried to direct the story back to the main characters….

“Bella?” The writer whispered in a prompting manner.

Sadly, the beloved brunette was ignoring her. A small smile played across her lips as she typed out a quick text to… Aro? Why the hell was she texting Aro?

“Bella!” The beautiful wonderful writer of said fic was quickly losing her patience.

“Huh?” Bella’s reply was followed by a look of comprehension as she put away her cell.

“Where were we again?” the doe eyed girl asked as she bit into her bottom lip. She quickly proceeded to wince after the bite. It was no secret that her lips, especially her bottom one were very sore. She bit them… a lot!

The author quickly pointed towards the ceiling of the story and then faded away into the back ground to allow the characters, and the mysterious voice to continue their conversation. Bella opened her mouth to speak, but the scent of blood from her now busted lip filled the air and so she swooned instead. The mysterious voice who you should have realized by now was the reader of this story got very bored by this point and decided to take a bathroom break as well as get herself a snack. She seriously debated on getting some Pho, but decided not to.

It was after all a good five minutes to the nearest Pho restaurant and what would be the point in getting Pho to go? Half of what she enjoyed about it was actually eating it there. So she settled for some left overs she found in the fridge, and quickly found her place in the story again.

By now though the story had picked up incredibly. A hot an very attractive paramedic who just so happened to also have the last name Cullen, but was in no way shape or form related to the Dr. Carlisle Cullen they had just listened to at the beginning of the fic, was holding Bella’s hand as he applied a wet wash cloth to her forehead. His brilliant gold eyes were staring into hers, as our reader grunted her disapproval.

Gold?

Gold meant supernatural.

Supernatural meant alternate universe.

This reader didn’t do alternate universes.

She also didn’t do crack fic, but this was for her… so perhaps she could stomach it.

At that exact moment her stomach turned over showing how much it also detested this turn of events. So perhaps she would vomit, but she would still be able to read it.

Her eyes scanned the story for the word bronze which she knew would quickly follow the word gold, but it wasn’t there. What was there was a description of a man with brown hair and dimples.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Really Cella? Really?!?!” It was at this point that the writer decided it was best not to piss off the reader anymore and quickly came back in out of the faded area in the corner.

“What’s the problem now Kris?”

The birthday girl who was wearing a Team Edward shirt pointed at the paramedic, Emmett Cullen, before loudly declaring that he was the problem. Cella rubbed her forehead. How could she possibly be expected to write under such stifling conditions? Was this not called fanfic for a reason? Surely there had to be a fan out there who would enjoy a fic about Emmett, and Bella. The fact that Kris was not one of them was simply a fact that escaped her mind… for a brief, albeit stupid moment.

“Kris, we have barely started the fic. Just because they are locking eyes doesn’t mean they’ll be humping by the end of chapter one.”

Sadly the writer had spoken a bit too soon. It was at that moment that Kris grabbed her arm and forced her to turn around and face the scene below them. Sure enough Bella was being plowed from behind by Emmett, and oh my god! That was some hot shit!

Cella watched with her mouth wide open, and her panties dampening. She had never really looked at Emmett that way before, but as his hands gripped Bella’s waist and droplets of sweat rolled down his body, she could see why so many women desired him.

“CELLA!” Kris’s scream alerted the writer to the fact that she had been staring at the animalistic activity.

“What?” The question was an automatic response to having her name called. Her eyes however were still focused on the scene before her.

“Can’t you do something to stop it?” the question was rhetorical. Kris knew damn well that Cella could stop it.

“Well….”

It was at this point that Cella had truly begun to look at the way her fiction was playing out. Many writers claimed that their characters took over the story, but Cella was ready to declare in a court of law that her story hadn’t been fighting completely stolen by these characters. Sure it was fun to watch Kris squirm, but the way Bella was pulling Esme into her ever growing orgy was just disgusting!

“Fine,” Cella sighed in faux annoyance.

She quickly wrote a pizza delivery guy into the story with bronze hair. He had gorgeous green eyes which just pissed Kris off even more. I mean why the hell was Edward human and delivering pizza? Wasn’t this a vampire story? This time the Cella stamped her foot in protest, “He’s in the fucking story now Darlin’ AND he’s human! What more do you want? Wait don’t answer that….” Cella quickly went back and removed Edward’s pizza uniform so that she could replace it with a tee-shirt and name tag that said “Hi my name is Edward Masen and I own so much stock in Apple that Steve Jobs kisses my ass.”

He had to wear the name tag because his casual clothes would never show people what his profession was. Cella smirked a little when Kris glared at the last name, but really wasn’t it better this way? Who would want to be with a girl that slept with two guys that weren’t related to him and three women that were?

Oh did I not mention that Edward has three daughters?

“Oh HELL no!” This time the protest came not from the peanut gallery, also known as the birthday girl Kris, but from Edward himself who had before this been up until this point dutifully throwing money at some kids in the corner of the fic. I promise they weren’t watching the orgy. They just happened to be there. In a corner. Randomly. For no real reason.

“I’m outta this story,” Edward stated as he grabbed a latter and began to make his way up towards the ceiling. Sadly it wasn’t towards the writer’s part of the ceiling who would have more than happily shoved him back down and into the orgy in hopes that his dick would impale itself on Bella and make sparks fly.

INSTEAD, he made his way toward Kris. Kris was not only a Fan-fiction reader but an adamant writer. She quickly pulled Edward, who looked remarkably like Rob Pattinson, and slightly like her ex boyfriend, Cedric Diggory (that’s a whole other story) into her arms. Cella screamed and yelled until she was hoarse but it was to no avail. Edward left her very frightening story behind and found refuge with the girl the story was supposed to be about. Cella tried over and over again to fix her story, but eventually retired it to her plot bunny graveyard where many good and bad fics have been laid to rest over the past couple of years.

Meanwhile in a small bedroom in Orange, California the former reader of Cella’s dead fic was trying to coax Edward into a nice semi-angsty canon fic where his piercing green eyes, endless amount of money, and lust filled self could be happy. What Kris didn’t count on was that this Edward had not been created for Bella, he had been created for her. So every time she started to show him a document with a nice sweet wholesome (not willing to sleep with Esme) Bella lived he would lean casually over her shoulder and begin to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Kris didn’t care that he never learned how to say anything other than “nothing,” while he was trying to turn her own. His voice dripped sex. “Nothing,” sounded amazing when he said it.

“Edward we can’t,” she moaned out in protest as his lips ghosted over her neck.

“Nothing…no-thing…nooooothing”

He could be very perspersuasive when he wanted to.

Kris tried, believe me she did. She was after all a very strong believer in the fact that every Edward in every alternate universe loved his Bella. This wasn’t an alternate universe though, this was the real world, and in the real world Edward wanted nothing more than to bring Kris to multiple orgasms with his tongue before biting her on the neck and changing her into a vampire so that she could live forever! It may have been the fic she never wanted, but at least someone got a happily ever after.

The End

You can leave now.

Why are you still here?

Oh it was the vamp thing wasn’t it?

It confused you?

Well it’s simple, even a baby could have figured it out!

He was wearing contacts people! Oy vey! Did you really think he was human? Oh well it doesn’t matter because Edward got his happily ever after, and Bella got killed.

Did I forget to mention that? Sorry. It was her own fault really.

How was it her fault?

She had an orgy with vampires!

You truly didn’t think she would survive that did you?

Oh you did?

Sorry….

Anyway, to Kris wherever you are Happy Birthday! I hope to see you and Edward in a century or two. Me and Jasper are heading for Italy. Italians are supposed to taste devine!